The Lament of the Glasses Wearer


I’ve been bespectacled for over 20 years (holy mackerel Batman!)  When I was younger they went perfectly with my bookish little self but, inevitably, the older and more self conscious I got, the less I wanted my specs around. It’s perhaps one of my daftest little complexes really, they’re not optional for me-without them I see diddly squat. But still, whenever I have to leave the house wearing them I feel a bit weird and incredibly aware of my face. My body language reverts to pre-lipstick Michelle.

I already had this little lament drafted when I saw Sunae’s amazing post about wearing specs and body image. So for a beautifully eloquent reflection of my real feelings on the subject (but with infinitely more self confidence than I think I’ll ever have whilst donning the specs) go read her post. And for my pithy little take on it….

The Lament of the Glasses Wearer

Wearing specs is hard
When it rains
In the sauna
White water rafting (I presume)
When spaniels jump at your face
Whilst painting the ceiling
Roasting chickens, potatoes, veggies.
Whilst making the most delicious apple and blackberry crumble the world has ever seen even though it makes you an enormous hypocrite as it could not be more Autumnal if it tried and you’ve already very vocally denounced Autumn for the foreseeable future.

Wearing specs is annoying
In the sunshine.
Sunnies over the top? That person with two pairs on…
A face so squinty it’s folding in on itself or just a dark blurry cave of nothingness?
And how about those detachable aviator things? Yeah, the ones your granddad had.
It’s like Sophie’s choice.

Wearing specs is frustrating
Worse when you fall asleep in them.
6 words: pins and needles of the earlobe.
1 more word: ouch.

Wearing specs is agony
When you’re washing the dishes
And they slide sloooooowly dooowwwn your nose.
And you’re home alone.
And no-one can hear your screams.

Wearing specs results in
Residual childhood trauma from when your mamma didn’t intervene and you chose your own Dennis Nordon sized eyewear.
Aged 10, 11, 12, 13, 14 and 15.
And 16. Maybe.

Wearing specs is expensive
Scratch proof, anti-glare, thinned down,
Bullet proof, nuclear fallout proof.
Dog. Proof.

Wearing specs is boring
‘Can you see better now?
Or now?
With number one?
Or 2?
What about now?
And now? And now and now and now and now and now and blah and blah and blah…’

Wearing specs is soul destroying
Can you read the bottom line?
And I don’t know the capital of Djibouti either, I’M STILL A GODDAMN PERSON!’

Wearing specs is hard
But not as hard as getting a solitary grain of sadistic sand stuck behind ones’ contact lens.

The Kindness Project
The Hall Table