Mum left her laptop unattended again and I do not let a lack of opposable thumbs stop me doing ANYTHING (that sounded a bit sinister).
Mum thought you’d want to hear about our week off but she’d only tell you the boring bits about shit she got from Ikea (but was it dog toys though? Actually it was a little bit dog toys, she cannot help herself) and that cake she made that we couldn’t even eat so here’s what you really need to know about our week:
Every single day I barked at a tree. I think I managed all the trees in town. It’s my job innit? Sometimes the birds aren’t even in the trees but I don’t want them to get bolshy and flap back across, feathery little gits. The ones in our garden are getting way too brave, I practiced my high pitched woofing this week too to get rid of them. Works best at 6 in the morning, they don’t expect it.
We spent one sunny day on the moors. Mum loves the moors and I found THE BEST juicy cow pat to roll in so no-one could smell me coming. I might be a genius: the birds just think I’m a stinky cow and then BOOM! Here’s Betty! Works every time. Mum had a little freak out about me getting into her car afterwards but now no-one can smell her coming either. You’re welcome ma.
Mum took us to the beach too. The beach is mine and Pete’s favourite. Actually I’m quite the swimmer, like Michael Phelps’ tiny hairy twin. Wait, he doesn’t already have a twin does he? Awks. I woofed at the seagulls, dug all the sand up and saved mums’ life. For reals though. I think she wanted me to swim with her but she went in well deep, up to her actual boobs. I don’t go in that far so I cleared my throat and howled til she got back out. All she said was ‘shush’. What. A. Moron. A little bit of gratitude wouldn’t go amiss.
And best of all we snoozed. Man did we snooze. I like to play it cool with mum, I don’t want her getting all complacent and smushy and thinking I like her but sometimes you just need a bit of mum time don’t you? Whilst she was snoozing on the sofa I hopped up and snuggled in on her chest. She pretended she was still asleep but I’m pretty sure I saw her cry a tiny movie tear about it, loser.
So, yeah, best week off ever. How’s yours been?
Peace out, bitches.
Post in collaboration with the RSPCA. Betty and Pete are a demented but non-negotiable part of our family. Like all other necessities (the TV, the husband, the GoPro) insurance is a must to cover any eventuality. More Than and the RSPCA offer insurance for your furry friend from as little as £8 per month. You can spend the money you save on dog treats.
All unhealthy relationships with dogs my own. As always if I didn’t believe it I wouldn’t blog about it and ACTUALLY after they got in touch and I did a bit of homework we switched our insurance for Pete and Betts to the Classic cover. Much more comprehensive and easy to understand than we had before, worth a look.