No hablo Estate Agent

March 13, 2014
Estate agents are wily little chaffinches aren’t they? Wafting in with a cloud of freshly baked bread whiff about their person, mystifying us with their ‘laid to lawn’, ‘link-detatched’ and ‘modern living’ chat. Isn’t all living modern living by definition? WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

Photo from here

I like estate agents, honestly I do. I’m an enthusiastic linguist, so deciphering house details is like a little game where the prize is discovering that the house I love actually isn’t built on a roundabout or doesn’t have a body under the patio (it’s a game I never lose).  But now we’ve started our house hunt for real, it’s a bit bloody exhausting to keep having to translate to whittle it down to something that we want to look at. 
It’s taken me a while to build up my almanac of estate agent translations but I think I’m getting there, thought it might help you too: 
Exudes a cosy charm means old and tiny. Possibly smelly.
For sea peeps read: you’re going to need to dislocate your neck and/or face to see the sea from this house. Maybe squint too. And think really hard about the sea whilst tapping your heels together.
Cleverly landscaped – if you’re looking for greenery, jog on.
‘Handy’ downstairs bathroom – want a wee in the night? Ha!
Rural locations can only be accessed via a dirt track riding a pogo stick and cross referencing six different maps and a sat nav.
Boasts outside tap means that you’re going to be paying a lot of money for a tap and not much else. Run. Like. The. Wind.
Go for a central location and you’ll never open your windows again.

If you see has been a much loved family home for our clients for XX years shield your eyes, it’s going to hurt. You may also find a chalk outline on the kitchen floor.
Internal viewing recommended or we really couldn’t find the words for this monstrosity. P.s. wear your bullet proofs; the area is dodgy as hell.
My all time favourite is in need of modernisationwhich pretty much means call in Kevin McCloud and get a divorce solicitor on speed dial, sh*t is about to get real.

Feel free to get in touch if you need further translations, I’m almost fluent now.
I do love it when you get an honest, transparent, down to earth agent though. Like the one who suggested this week that that this ‘family home would benefit from a family living in it’. Can’t really argue with that. 

We’re off to look at one at lunchtime today which I’m pleased to say boasts none of the above…but we’ll see. 

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