Anatomy of a British Heatwave (sorry, #heatwave)

HeatwaveSo, the #heatwave is upon us. Can you feel it? The sweet sweet burn of…BRITISH SUMMER TIME. Because really, it happens every year guys. Sure the duration varies, the intensity differs but every single year, weirdly around this same time, it gets hot. Slightly hotter than usual anyway. I guess it’s just semantics really, or is it? How do you really know if it’s a heatwave or just, you know, normal? Shall we play #heatwave bingo? Any more than five of the following indicates a verified British Heatwave. Probably.

In which case run, save yourselves! Save me a Pimms yeah?

1) People start blaming the faceless heatwave for everything. Extra bead of cleavage sweat? Heatwave. Shortage of Solero’s in your Tesco Express? Bloody heatwave. The constant deafening hum of desk fans across the land? Definite probable heatwave.

2) There’s a run on anything you could ever want to buy – ice cubes (don’t buy ice cubes guys, that’s what the tap’s for), pimms, cucumbers, strawberries…..lemonade. Folks need to stock up for all the unexpected heat, if you’re heading to the shops for the essentials be warned, you need Walking Dead* Level: Pro to make it back alive.

3) Flesh. All the flesh. So much flesh. My eyes.

4) When you live in a seaside town, heatwave = gridlock as people swarm to the sea. The sea they have no intention of ever setting foot in. It’s generally a happy sort of gridlock, where drivers smile and sing together. Except for the trance playing arse with three exhausts who should be banned from the world.

5) Office air-con wars move to def con 1. 17 degrees? SEVENTEEN??? Animals.

6) Tenuous links to #heatwave pop up all over the place, especially your inbox. ‘Struggling with the heatwave? You need Tena Lady: Hot Stuff’. Erm, no.

7) Impromptu BBQ plans are scuppered by Sainsbury’s who apparently had no idea there was a heatwave on or that people would want to dine al fresco. In July. (Jokes Sainsbergs, other than the shortage of brioche burger buns you’re alright).

8) No-one can sleep. They all want to tell you about it.

9) Some genius comes up with a hashtag like this and you lose an hour of your life.

10) You….we….ok, just I, contemplate moving to France – for the lunchtime snoozing. Actually I always want to move to France, mostly for the croissants. So this one doesn’t count.

Enjoying the heatwave?


*funny Walking Dead story for you: we watched the first episode after which I went for a quick loo stop. Came back down the stairs in the style of the Walking Dead. Husband nearly died, Betty went loopy. We don’t watch the Walking Dead any more.

Being More Dog
Secret Beaches: Wonwell, Devon